proposal
Order Description
Edit the paper precisely according to the following comments:
have a few more visuals – they can (should?) be more fun/human/appealing than the charts you already have (which are fine) – it’s nice to have variety to appeal to
different aspects of different audiences.
One big thing: change the "I am writing this to…" and "we are discussing…’ – just do it.
have a few days to rewrite/modify this; I will post a due date on Bb shortly. Qs? ask me. Thanks.
Abstract –
remove ‘to address a memo’ – the memo is done, proposals do not address them, they follow them.
No need to say ‘it starts by…’ – just tell your audience the important things.
"because it FORMED from…"
‘none-the-less’
para 2 – reword/remove: ‘discussed…’ and just say it. Don’t refer to ‘the memo’ – although the audience may have read it, you cannot assume that they did or that
they remember it.
para 3 – this is one very long and cumbersome sentence; break it up and rephrase it.
INTRO –
Do not use this voice: "Following….."
You are not telling a story; you are proposing a solution to a problem.
There is no "I" – you are a team.
You need to tell them what the problem is straight away.
– – – eliminate the story-telling phrases; focus on telling someone the prob/soln.
Res Bkgrd –
Again – just refer to the milestones.
Nasser – good….maybe add a quote.
Eliminate "I have discussed…" just say it. We not I.
MAIN BODY
Good; re: your chart, I don’t see Qatar in it.
Few Locally….
ok
Absence…
again, no memo reference.
rephrase "down the drain"
and ‘make a buck’
re: your 3 part chart – provide some context in your paragraph so the reader knows what to look for; then add a caption with more clarification and contextualization.
The Rigidity –
rephrase ‘out rightly resisted’
and ‘He outlines it that…’
Conclusion –
none-the-less
RECOMMENDATIONS
chart is illegible; stretch it out onto a new page.