Nothing so true as what you once let fall,
“Most Women have no Characters at all.”
Matter too soft a lasting mark to bear,
And best distinguish’d by black, brown, or fair.
How many pictures of one Nymph we view, 5
All how unlike each other, all how true!
Arcadia’s Countess, here, in ermin’d pride,
Is there, Pastora by a fountain side.
Here Fannia, leering on her own good man,
And there, a naked Leda with a Swan. 10
Let then the Fair one beautifully cry,
In Magdalen’s loose hair and lifted eye,
Or drest in smiles of sweet Cecilia shine,
With simp’ring Angels, Palms, and Harps divine;
Whether the Charmer sinner it, or saint it, 15
If Folly grows romantic, I must paint it.
Come then, the colours and the ground prepare!
Dip in the Rainbow, trick her off in Air,
Chuse a firm Cloud, before it fall, and in it
Catch, e’er she change, the Cynthia of this minute. 20
Rufa, whose eye quick-glancing o’er the Park,
Attracts each light gay meteor of a Spark,
Agrees as ill with Rufa studying Locke,
As Sappho’s diamonds with her dirty smock,
Or Sappho at her toilet’s greazy task, 25
With Sappho fragrant at an ev’ning Mask:
So morning Insects that in muck begun,
Shine, buzz, and fly-blow in the setting-sun.
How soft is Silia! fearful to offend, 30
The Frail one’s advocate, the Weak one’s friend:
To her, Calista prov’d her conduct nice,
And good Simplicius asks of her advice.
Sudden, she storms! she raves! You tip the wink,
But spare your censure; Silia does not drink.
All eyes may see from what the change arose, 35
All eyes may see—a Pimple on her nose.
Papillia, wedded to her am’rous spark,
Sighs for the shades—“How charming is a Park!
A Park is purchas’d, but the Fair he sees
All bath’d in tears—“Oh odious, odious Trees!” 40
Ladies, like variegated Tulips, show,
‘Tis to their Changes half their charms we owe;
Their happy Spots the nice admirer take,
Fine by defect, and delicately weak.
‘Twas thus Calypso once each heart alarm’d,
Aw’d without Virtue, without Beauty charm’d;
Her Tongue bewitch’d as odly as her Eyes,
Less Wit than Mimic, more a Wit than wise:
Strange graces still, and stranger flights she had,
Was just not ugly, and was just not mad; 50
Yet ne’er so sure our passion to create,
As when she touch’d the brink of all we hate.
Narcissa’s nature, tolerably mild,
To make a wash, would hardly stew a child,
Has ev’n been prov’d to grant a Lover’s pray’r, 55
And paid a Tradesman once to make him stare,
Gave alms at Easter, in a Christian trim,
And made a Widow happy, for a whim.
Why then declare Good-nature is her scorn,
When ’tis by that alone she can be born? 60
Why pique all mortals, yet affect a name?
A fool to Pleasure, yet a slave to Fame:
Now deep in Taylor and the Book of Martyrs,
Now drinking citron with his Grace and Chartres.
Now Conscience chills her, and now Passion burns; 65
And Atheism and Religion take their turns;
A very Heathen in the carnal part,
Yet still a sad, good Christian at her heart.
See Sin in State, majestically drunk,
Proud as a Peeress, prouder as a Punk; 70
Chaste to her Husband, frank to all beside,
A teeming Mistress, but a barren Bride.
What then? let Blood and Body bear the fault,
Her Head’s untouch’d, that noble Seat of Thought:
Such this day’s doctrine—in another fit 75
She sins with Poets thro’ pure Love of Wit.
What has not fir’d her bosom or her brain?
Cæsar and Tall-boy, Charles and Charlema’ne.
As Helluo, late Dictator of the Eeast,
The Nose of Hautgout, and the Tip of Taste, 80
Critick’d your wine, and analyz’d your meat,
Yet on plain Pudding deign’d at-home to eat;
So Philomedé, lect’ring all mankind
On the soft Passion, and the Taste refin’d,
Th’Address, the Delicacy—stoops at once, 85
And makes her hearty meal upon a Dunce.
Flavia’s a Wit, has too much sense to Pray,
To Toast our wants and wishes, is her way;
Nor asks of God, but of her Stars to give
The mighty blessing, “while we live, to live.” 90
Then all for Death, that Opiate of the soul!
Lucretia’s dagger, Rosamonda’s bowl.
Say, what can cause such impotence of mind?
A Spark too fickle, or a Spouse too kind.
Wise Wretch! with Pleasures too refin’d to please, 95
With too much Spirit to be e’er at ease,
With too much Quickness ever to be taught,
With too much Thinking to have common Thought:
You purchase Pain with all that Joy can give,
And die of nothing but a Rage to live. 100
Turn then from Wits; and look on Simo’s Mate,
No Ass so meek, no Ass so obstinate:
Or her, that owns her Faults, but never mends,
Because she’s honest, and the best of Friends:
Or her, whose life the Church and Scandal share, 105
For ever in a Passion, or a Pray’r:
Or her, who laughs at Hell, but (like her Grace)
Cries, “Ah! how charming, if there’s no such place!
Or who in sweet vicissitude appears
Of Mirth and Opium, Ratafie and Tears, 110
The daily Anodyne, and nightly Draught,
To kill those foes to Fair ones, Time and Thought.
Woman and Fool are two hard things to hit,
For true No-meaning puzzles more than Wit.
But what are these to great Atossa’s mind? 115
Scarce once herself, by turns all Womankind!
Who, with herself, or others, from her birth
Finds all her life one warfare upon earth:
Shines, in exposing Knaves, and painting Fools,
Yet is, whate’er she hates and ridicules. 120
No Thought advances, but her Eddy Brain
Whisks it about, and down it goes again.
Full sixty years the World has been her Trade,
The wisest Fool much Time has ever made.
From loveless youth to unrespected age, 125
No Passion gratify’d except her Rage.
So much the Fury still out-ran the Wit,
The Pleasure miss’d her, and the Scandal hit.
Who breaks with her, provokes Revenge from Hell,
But he’s a bolder man who dares be well: 130
Her ev’ry turn with Violence pursu’d,
Nor more a storm her Hate than Gratitude.
To that each Passion turns, or soon or late;
Love, if it makes her yield, must make her hate:
Superiors? death! and Equals? what a curse! 135
But an Inferior not dependant? worse.
Offend her, and she knows not to forgive;
Oblige her, and she’ll hate you while you live:
But die, and she’ll adore you—Then the Bust
And Temple rise—then fall again to dust. 140
Last night, her Lord was all that’s good and great,
A Knave this morning, and his Will a Cheat.
Strange! by the Means defeated of the Ends,
By Spirit robb’d of Pow’r, by Warmth of Friends,
By Wealth of Follow’rs! without one distress 145
Sick of herself thro’ very selfishness!
Atossa, curs’d with ev’ry granted pray’r,
Childless with all her Children, wants an Heir.
To Heirs unknown descends th’unguarded store
Or wanders, Heav’n-directed, to the Poor. 150
Pictures like these, dear Madam, to design,
Asks no firm hand, and no unerring line;
Some wand’ring touches, some reflected light,
Some flying stroke alone can hit ’em right:
For how should equal Colours do the knack? 155
Chameleons who can paint in white and black?
“Yet Cloe sure was form’d without a spot—
Nature in her then err’d not, but forgot.
“With ev’ry pleasing, ev’ry prudent part,
“Say, what can Cloe want?—she wants a Heart. 160
She speaks, behaves, and acts just as she ought;
But never, never, reach’d one gen’rous Thought.
Virtue she finds too painful an endeavour,
Content to dwell in Decencies for ever.
So very reasonable, so unmov’d, 165
As never yet to love, or to be lov’d.
She, while her Lover pants upon her breast,
Can mark the figures on an Indian chest;
And when she sees her Friend in deep despair,
Observes how much a Chintz exceeds Mohair. 170
Forbid it Heav’n, a Favour or a Debt
She e’er should cancel—but she may forget.
Safe is your Secret still in Cloe’s ear;
But none of Cloe’s shall you ever hear.
Of all her Dears she never slander’d one, 175
But cares not if a thousand are undone.
Would Cloe know if you’re alive or dead?
She bids her Footman put it in her head.
Cloe is prudent—would you too be wise?
Then never break your heart when Cloe dies. 180
One certain Portrait may (I grant) be seen,
Which Heav’n has varnish’d out, and made a Queen:
The same for ever! and describ’d by all
With Truth and Goodness, as with Crown and Ball:
Poets heap Virtues, Painters Gems at will, 185
And show their zeal, and hide their want of skill.
‘Tis well—but, Artists! who can paint or write,
To draw the Naked is your true delight:
That Robe of Quality so struts and swells,
None see what Parts or Nature it conceals. 190
Th’exactest traits of Body or of Mind,
We owe to models of an humble kind.
If Queensberry to strip there’s no compelling,
‘Tis from a Handmaid we must take a Helen.
From Peer or Bishop ’tis no easy thing 195
To draw the man who loves his God, or King:
Alas! I copy (or my draught would fail)
From honest Mah’met, or plain Parson Hale.
But grant, in Public Men sometimes are shown,
A Woman’s seen in Private life alone: 200
Our bolder Talents in full light display’d,
Your Virtues open fairest in the shade.
Bred to disguise, in Public ’tis you hide;
There, none distinguish ‘twixt your Shame or Pride,
Weakness or Delicacy; all so nice, 205
That each may seem a Virtue, or a Vice.
In Men, we various Ruling Passions find,
In Women, two almost divide the kind;
Those, only fix’d, they first or last obey,
The Love of Pleasure, and the Love of Sway. 210
That, Nature gives; and where the lesson taught
Is but to please, can Pleasure seem a fault?
Experience, this; by Man’s oppression curst,
They seek the second not to lose the first.
Men, some to Bus’ness, some to Pleasure take; 215
But ev’ry Woman is at heart a Rake:
Men, some to Quiet, some to public Strife;
But ev’ry Lady would be Queen for life.
Yet mark the fate of a whole Sex of Queens!
Pow’r all their end, but Beauty all the means. 220
In Youth they conquer, with so wild a rage,
As leaves them scarce a Subject in their Age:
For foreign glory, foreign joy, they roam;
No thought of Peace or Happiness at home.
But Wisdom’s Triumph is well-tim’d Retreat, 225
As hard a science to the Fair as Great!
Beauties, like Tyrants, old and friendless grown,
Yet hate Repose, and dread to be alone,
Worn out in public, weary ev’ry eye,
Nor leave one sigh behind them when they die. 230
Pleasures the sex, as children Birds, pursue,
Still out of reach, yet never out of view,
Sure, if they catch, to spoil the Toy at most,
To covet flying, and regret when lost:
At last, to follies Youth could scarce defend, 235
It grows their Age’s prudence to pretend;
Asham’d to own they gave delight before,
Reduc’d to feign it, when they give no more:
As Hags hold Sabbaths, less for joy than spight,
So these their merry, miserable Night; 240
Still round and round the Ghosts of Beauty glide,
And haunt the places where their Honour dy’d.
See how the World its Veterans rewards!
A Youth of Frolicks, an old Age of Cards,
Fair to no purpose, artful to no end, 245
Young without Lovers, old without a Friend,
A Fop their Passion, but their Prize a Sot,
Alive, ridiculous, and dead, forgot!
Ah Friend! to dazzle let the Vain design,
To raise the Thought, and touch the Heart, be thine! 250
That Charm shall grow, while what fatigues the Ring
Flaunts and goes down, an unregarded thing.
So when the Sun’s broad beam has tir’d the sight,
All mild ascends the Moon’s more sober light,
Serene in Virgin Modesty she shines, 255
And unobserv’d the glaring Orb declines.
Oh! blest with Temper, whose unclouded ray
Can make to morrow chearful as to day;
She, who can love a Sister’s charms, or hear
Sighs for a Daughter with unwounded ear; 260
She, who ne’er answers till a Husband cools,
Or, if she rules him, never shows she rules;
Charms by accepting, by submitting sways,
Yet has her humour most, when she obeys;
Let Fops or Fortune fly which way they will; 265
Disdains all loss of Tickets, or Codille;
Spleen, Vapours, or Small-pox, above them all,
And Mistress of herself, tho’ China fall.
And yet, believe me, good as well as ill,
Woman’s at best a Contradiction still. 270
Heav’n, when it strives to polish all it can
Its last best work, but forms a softer Man;
Picks from each sex, to make the Fav’rite blest,
Your love of Pleasure, our desire of Rest,
Blends, in exception to all gen’ral rules, 275
Your Taste of Follies, with our Scorn of Fools,
Reserve with Frankness, Art with Truth ally’d,
Courage with Softness, Modesty with Pride,
Fix’d Principles, with Fancy ever new;
Shakes all together, and produces—You. 280
Be this a Woman’s Fame: with this unblest,
Toasts live a scorn, and Queens may die a jest.
This Phoebus promis’d (I forget the year)
When those blue eyes first open’d on the sphere;
Ascendant Phoebus watch’d that hour with care, 285
Averted half your Parents simple Pray’r,
And gave you Beauty, but deny’d the Pelf
That buys your sex a Tyrant o’er itself.
The gen’rous God, who Wit and Gold refines,
And ripens Spirits as he ripens Mines, 290
Kept Dross for Duchesses, the world shall know it,
To you gave Sense, Good-humour
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