proposal

proposal Order Description Edit the paper precisely according to the following comments: have a few more visuals - they can (should?) be more fun/human/appealing than the charts you already have (which are fine) - it's nice to have variety to appeal to different aspects of different audiences. One big thing: change the "I am writing this to..." and "we are discussing...' - just do it. have a few days to rewrite/modify this; I will post a due date on Bb shortly. Qs? ask me. Thanks. Abstract - remove 'to address a memo' - the memo is done, proposals do not address them, they follow them. No need to say 'it starts by...' - just tell your audience the important things. "because it FORMED from..." 'none-the-less' para 2 - reword/remove: 'discussed...' and just say it. Don't refer to 'the memo' - although the audience may have read it, you cannot assume that they did or that they remember it. para 3 - this is one very long and cumbersome sentence; break it up and rephrase it. INTRO - Do not use this voice: "Following....." You are not telling a story; you are proposing a solution to a problem. There is no "I" - you are a team. You need to tell them what the problem is straight away. - - - eliminate the story-telling phrases; focus on telling someone the prob/soln. Res Bkgrd - Again - just refer to the milestones. Nasser - good....maybe add a quote. Eliminate "I have discussed..." just say it. We not I. MAIN BODY Good; re: your chart, I don't see Qatar in it. Few Locally.... ok Absence... again, no memo reference. rephrase "down the drain" and 'make a buck' re: your 3 part chart - provide some context in your paragraph so the reader knows what to look for; then add a caption with more clarification and contextualization. The Rigidity - rephrase 'out rightly resisted' and 'He outlines it that...' Conclusion - none-the-less RECOMMENDATIONS chart is illegible; stretch it out onto a new page.