- This good but I wonder about some of the information…they don't seem to be your arguments but taken
wholesale from somewhere…for example -a local news channel reported, etc… reported from where?
How is it local to your argument? Georgia, Florida, etc. Is it only in America that these things happen? It
does read like it was written by an American for an American outlet. You need to make your arguments
specific to the points you are making in each paragraph. It cannot be like some extracts from a newspaper
in America. It needs to be objective. It needs to be something that explains YOUR position in your thesis. - There is no counter-argument/refutation paragraph. This is not an extended argumentative
essay/research paper…because it has no counter-argument/refutation paragraph. It supports the position
you take in your thesis…and still is confusing. You do write ' To avoid these situations, we must restrict
guns.' but that does not make the paragraph a counter argument/refutation. What you say is a counter-argument is not. It is another reason why 'abuser' or not nice people shouldn't have guns. I suggest in your
2nd draft, you make this clearer or use another argument that is clearly counter to your thesis position.